slowly cured

My life had been a parade of miseries as consequences of my choices. However, lately i redeemed those and started to have a nice feeling.

Lately, I was glad for several things:

1.I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird, a very soothing book

2.I enjoyed re-running my Sex and the City collection

2.I enjoyed my work, in which interpreting, in which teaching simultaneously the police in Police Language School, Cipinang (no, not the jail). We had nice, smart, open minded students without their usual sex jokes

3.The students gave me a nice batik shawl, a bag, and a card. Usually, the students from previous iteration only gave something to my opa opa boss. But now, they took me into consideration. Something about the gift is that it is nice to be appreciated sometimes. =)

4.That late night when bf and me got a warning from a police, “ mas mbak, tolong jangan lama-lama di sini. Gak enak diliat orang…”

5.Seeing my college friends on Nandia’s last day being 22 year old. Damn you girl, so freakin’ young.

6.Memmy’s gift, wrapped in a specially printed wrapper with my picture and hers on it.

beautiful men

It was all started with Sandra Dewi.

Yes… the well-known seemingly looks like Dian Sastro new artiste bumped into me in Plaza Senayan restroom (just like Henidar Amroe, I bumped into her in Grand Kemang restroom). She was tall, long haired, with perfect hair down to the waist. So, after I was done, I told my bf that Sandra Dewi was in the restroom and you might want to check on her. (I told this because I know that one of the hottest topics in his karang taruna drinking and drunk club was buying FHM with Sandra Dewi on the cover).

After a while, in which 30 seconds, she hadn’t come outside, so I leaned on bf’s hand to go away from the in front hall of the restroom. And he did not want to move. Then, what happened next was a series of dragging and herding him around, only with no result. He insisted to see Sandra Dewi. So, I told him that he was way so desperate, and I left him to go to Coffee Bean, then to Metro.

I was irritated by his childish act. Then, as usual, after few argumentations (shortly after he looked for me), he said, “I have the full right to see whoever beautiful persons in front of me, no matter if they are a woman, a guy, a gay, whoever. And I ensure you the same right to do so,” he said.

Okay then, from that point that day, I did not fix my eyes on his ever. I looked for beautiful scenery in front of me. Miserably, what I found that no men were that beautiful. It is not fair. The comparison for beautiful women and beautiful men around was 75 to 15. If you pay attention carefully, there were so little beautiful, handsome, hunky men in Jakarta.

The best that I could find were men who were not afraid to speak for their personalities, men with mickey mouse t-shirt, men with shorts, t-shirt, and sneakers who bring plastic bag from grocery stores. Those men are interesting. But the rest, men are afraid to express themselves in their physical appearances. And, most men are ugly.

However, I’ll buy men with nice torso and ass. And terribly speaking, there were very few of them as well.

So, I said to bf, it is not about the right, but what can I do with my right. Apparently, it was less than what you can do. So, I think it’s not fair.

quit

So, I quit.
Literally quit from the consultant office.
Things that outraged me that rationalized me to quit:

1.A dialogue in P.S. I Love You:

“ I don’t like my job”
“Why?”
“I don’t like to work for idiots, so what should I do?”
“So, quit”
(I did not think that I work for some total idiots, but the sentence, “so, quit” made me realize that it is my free decision to quit. It’s not like I am responsible fully, and when I quit all clients will be gone. And it’s not like I’ll be insane too if I quit

2.My consultant office was like a never-ending tilted threads of work process, of new things, and abundantly full with surprises, and with unpredictable unnecessary ethics and politics. The office got a potential to develop but, tell me that I am lame, but I can’t stand an unclear process and un even playing field for competition

3.I did not get contract for my work there. Get to be a law-literate person. I have to appreciate myself

4.Too frequent time seeing your boyfriend for the whole week can make relationship sour

Now, I work for a while as a translator an interpreter in an NGO. But, then, until the while is gone…
What should I be doing?
Let’s figure out soon.

(pfuih!)

december thought

Mesmerized by last year’s jiffest, well I continued this tradition this year. This year’s jiffest was relatively less festive and less energetic than the year before. The experience of watching movie, however, was also the experience of identifying yourself with the audience in the studio. Do you have the same interest with other people there? Or they are usually your opponent, who watch the movie just to mock every juicy lines from it.

So, actually, I think watching movies in a festival is one way of searching for the people who can be ninety percent interesting for you, packed in one room. So, if you’d been really talking and conversing, you will find some good potential friends and also, boyfriends/girlfriends. Don’t you think?

So, the remarkable movies I watched were Vitus, La Vie En Rose slash La Mome,
Shut Up and Sing, Hang Tuah, and The Conductors (today I’m on my way to see Afghan Muscles and the US vs John Lennon).

I applauded Vitus for the convenient and relaxing feeling I get.
La Vie En Rose for the tears, thrilled, and proud feeling of a woman, and also Marion’s outstanding act as Edith Piaf.
Hang Tuah for its originality and impeccably, its romanticism is now a big round of joke and senseless long sentences for today’s youth. Still, mocking each nuanced sentence in the movie is some of the best entertainment.
Shut Up and Sing was very lively, energetic, kept your heart in rhyme from the beginning till the end of the movie.
And my best movie was, The Conductors. It shivered me, very inspiring, move your feeling on nationalism, art, and culture, no matter your economic status is.

(I recommend The Conductors, Paduan Suara Anak2 baru UI di Balairung dijadiin dokumenter loh di film ini, lengkap pake in depth interview sama Pak Dibyo. Two other characters are Addie MS ama Yuli--the conductor of AREMA-- Top Abis!)

Moreover, the best part was that The Conductors reminded me for not to be a materialistic part of the country’s development. So, I just lost my handphoneS, new 1 gb memory stick, new memory card, and new glasses on the same day at different times. Now I am ensured more that materials don’t give any fulfillment for me. Now, I’m thinking on spending my money on something un-materialistic. A pretty good new attitude to inspire next year’s resolution, huh?

Btw, Merry Christmas y’all!

jealousy

It comes when you’ve got nothing to do and try to make some betterment out of yourself, looking for a benchmark, and end up mystifying how better other persons are.
It comes when you see other people get more attention, but you feel that they don’t deserve it. The other way around, if you bow for their capabilities and qualities, it’s not jealousy. It’s respect. Jealousy goes to people who actually don’t deserve it.
So, when you feel jealous, the best way to redeem it is to make a mental note that you are way so much better than him, her, or them, fella!


Or, find some fun class, such as belly dance or R n B, or latin dances. =)

convert

It was Sunday
And my Dad was sitting in the living room watching a DVD about a testimonial of a converted Moslem. He converted to Catholicism. And he did a sole-person speech for about two hours. Wow. He said that Quran stated stories about Jesus and Christianity in 75 percent of the Holy Book, and Quran only stated 25 percents knowledge about Muhammad and Islam, so he said, “Why should I believe in Islam if it tells kindness of another religion, namely Christianity, and Muhammad is one of Jesus’ follower?”. On the contrary, once I wandered around a music store and saw a DVD about how actually Bible was actually about Muhammad and Islam, and how Jesus was just the follower of Muhammad. Hmm.

He had beard, and really proficient in mentioning phrases from Quran. No wonder, since he had been an Ulama in most of his life. Moreover, he once had been trained in Afghanistan to became a terrorist. He said that he became Catholic because he was reached by Jesus. Jesus spoke to him. Just like the story how Dian Sastro got a Hidayah. God touched them. Spoke to them. Convinced them. To convert.

So, in Ramadhan we often see people who converted from Christianity to Islam. Same case, in Sunday sessions we see people who converted from Islam to Christianity. Bear in mind that we rarely see people who convert from and to other religions in Indonesia namely Buddhism, Hinduism, and Kong Hu Cu, we always see that they really uphold these converted people.

Indirectly, they are saying: “Look at these righteous people who had chosen the right path to heaven”. Bolder more: “Other religions are wrong and my religion is the pious one. We have to learn from these converted people. They did that, so why don’t you”. And in most of the testimonials, we often see these converted people say stating some comparison, such as: “My religion now is better than my religion then”, not a humble testimonial such as, “This is the most suitable path FOR ME. I don’t know if that would be suitable for the others”.

So, digging it more, don’t you think that people in the reformation era nowadays could state their blasphemy easier and merrier than before?

the cast

When you decided something and the people around you refused or irritated by your decision, just take them only as casts in your movie. When somebody snappy and think-that-s/he-knows-all stabbed you with over-intellectual way of talking, also make them as the cast. Because, basically, other people are just the cast in your life. You are the one who is determining your own life and who as who.

intro

why we need to identify when we are all pulsated in a destined time and place, moving around a big bulk concentrated mass of star. Or rather we want to be the Hawking radiation, escape from the vanishing monotonous stirred milky way, stretch the destined time and place so that it’s relative. That, I agree.

Ov.

sweetness

I spent five weeks not in my consultant office. So, for those who know that I am in the same office with my boyfriend, well, I was not for the past four weeks already. That means I only had time to meet him at weekends, just like other normal couples. And I found it weird. Usually we spent about twelve hours a day, but now we only had six hours a week. So, the urge to book one unit at Cosmopolitan tower in kemang village arose. humph. Feel a bit clingy huh?

This wass added by the fact that this month is the fasting month. It means that you are not able to do anything intentionally arousing during noon. So, the past weeks had been spent with layer per layer of patience. And I think I handled it well. I handled the syahwat management well, but not the anger management one.

Look how silly and shallow I am (and yes, it is not only sisie who asked his boyfriend about rescuing her in tsunami, becoz in fact, my bf will save his motorcycle first before me should a fire happens. His motorcycle’s name is domba, anyway). Okay: the silly thing I did: arguing over some silly facts or existence, namely: friendster.

It was started with me saying: how come I am not in your featured friends column? Why do I see these white, slim, big boobs Chinese chicks on your featured friends. And, ladies, don’t forget the “huh?!!” at the end of the sentence.
Then he replied, like I put you on my featured friends for several months. But what did you do? Have you ever put me in your featured friends? I guess, you considered the featured friends are not important. So, I didn’t put you in mine anymore. (and yes, I never put his on mine either).

Yes, but still jealousy is still jealousy, although I had no clear argument for that. So, I said to him that perhaps my ramblings were just because I got my period. And he could understand. See, how fun and easy it is to be woman who accept stereotype from the society.

It’s not over yet. Then, we fought about how he wanted me to lose 15 more kgs. And I bet y’all know how scrumptious and impetuous the war that happened between me and him. I called him shallow and he called me insecure. Fair enough. Blatant enough. Catfights!

However, somehow, we also settled the matter down. And, what’s left of this week is sweetness. Sometimes, it is very nice to feel that you have a privilege. Well, I had the privilege to accompany him going through this fasting month. And it’s sweet. Or to spend a whole evening on Jakarta free car day and looking for some little dogs to buy, I totally found it sweet.

Hmmm…I guess somebody is becoming more lame and more lame and more lame here….

effected

Several signs that I AM a pseudo-feminist:

Prelude: I’ve never said that I am a feminist, however, all students in my college learned feminism. And most of them agreed (although only 0.00001%) that women should have their position equally with men in the society, by any definition of course. The more far I get from the time I studied it, the more I am convinced that I am a pseudo-feminist (as jame and sisie said). And it is irritating.

Several signs that I AM a pseudo-feminist:

1.I didn’t cut my hair short. This is the longest hair I’ve ever had. Just because my boyfriend wanted it so.

2.I didn’t protested when several police (whom my agency gave training for) teased me they want to handcuff me. I just gave them a shy smile. Just because I want them to be pleased.

3.I was the one who cleaned up the dishes after me and my boyfriend had lunch. Just because I wanna be seen as a complete woman in front of the society (read: his father and mother)

I think those explain.

Hiks. So, wanna publish Postmopolitan, guys? =)

august 3

My birthday has always been the announcement day of SPMB, August 3rd. I considered getting into English literature UI as a gift on my 17th birthday back then. I hope the same day may give you the same gift as in getting into some favorite universities. Hohoho. Enjoy your college days, young people.

korintus

Kasih itu sabar
Kasih itu murah hati
Ia tidak cemburu
Ia tidak meneguhkan diri dan tidak sombong
Ia tidak melakukan yang tak sopan dan mencari keuntungan sendiri
Ia tidak pemarah dan tidak menyimpan kesalahan orang lain
Ia tidak bersuka cita karena ketidakadilan,
tetapi karena kebenaran
Ia menutupi segala sesuatu,
percaya segala sesuatu
mengharapkan segala sesuatu
sabar menanggung segala sesuatu

kasih tidak berkesudahan
nubuat akan berakhir
bahasa roh akan berhenti
pengetahuan akan lenyap

demikianlah, tinggal ketiga hal ini,
yaitu iman, pengharapan dan kasih
dan yang paling besar di antaranya adalah
kasih.

apple rep

I went to this pious consultant firm, where the husband of my lovely professor works. It has a splendid interior, feels like you are going to a club next to some beach instead of to a forty something story building. It has a fully-white glossy furniture, with blue shade of raylight and green palms. The great things are: one, from its penthouse-like rear window, you can see the complete map of Gelora Bung Karno and Senayan, complete with its green map and parliament building. It’s quite neat from the 20th floor up there. Secondly, the common OS of the office is Mac, as well as their common desktops. Oh my my…
The things going in my mind is that: they can be a much better representative of Mac and Apple than… me.

Yes. Anywhere I go, everybody is like always saying,”hmm..how incompatible Mac is with other OSs.”
I believe that it IS compatible. Since, hello??, I use Microsoft office to work the documents. It’s a core-duo technology, pipol. However, everywhere I go, I make apple seems worthless and there you go..what’s the word?...incompatible.
Should I feel sorry for harming the cult of apple? It feels like a Moslem who does not do five time prayers or eat pork.

Whatever.

cold

Walking in between cold asphalt of a large road
Contesting the stars that are not even seen
You find yourself hug your soul
Your midnight mood drip
In between warm houses you pass
Imagine the family inside
Roasting some turkey
Or baking some cookie
Contrasting it with the coldness
Add some atmosphere
Walking down the street alone
Ignoring people are around, usually you find it quite jamming
But meanwhile you’re there alone, you find it quite satisfying
Your sadness is buried in a dark vision
Nobody can see
That’s perfect
Being outside without being seen
You are down
Feel the air feel the thickness of the air
Lonely as it may be
You are fit in to the situation

simply

I like the orange best, bumbi… 


We went to Kinokuniya Seibu yesterday. I needed to buy some small, handy, light, well-flowing book as Paulo Cuelhos, I then picked “To Kill a Mockingbird”. Well. I didn’t know yet about the well-flowing words, but for sure it’s light and cheap, hohoho. Not to mention, it’s once said as a pivotal book of the century. So I think, it’s very nice to have something important in my bag within my unimportant days and activities.

Then, after I paid for two magazines and an important book, I went over looking for bumbi. He’s swarming in between comics, history, architecture, and design books. Then he opened a book about Design Anatomy. It shows various of concepts or late designs used to build a brand new design. Then we stopped at Absolut Vodka advertisements. There are six ads, orange, currant, lime, and six other flavors that I don’t recall (am not a huge fan of vodka). The ads are filled with details like you find on Sherina’s and Gita Gutawa’s album covers. Flowery flowing lines.

Then, he asked, “Which one do you like best?, I like this one best (he pointed at the Vodka Curant ad dominates with purple background”

I said, “Okay, based on the detailed pictures in the ad, I like this one (I pointed at an ad dominated with cherish color: it shows an abstract view of new York’s Madison Avenue with its huge billboards), but based on the surreal and whole concept, I like the orange one. Then, based on the sophistication I like the black silver one.

He then said, “I just asked you to choose the best, that simple. You only have to pick one.”

“I can’t. The best can be seen by various categories,” I pleaded

“You’re so complicated. Now, pick one. I’m here to teach you how to be simple.”

After a five minute pause, I said, “Hmmm…I like the orange one best.”

“See? That easy. Don’t weight yourself with complications, unnecessary questions, and considerations. It burdens you and would not be comprehended well by other people.”

I still think that the best can be still seen from various aspects (me and the postmo ego) and bumbi’s there to teach me to be simple. I’m trying both paths now.

I let him in to teach me.

Picture from Getty Images

consumption and gratification

*I like this photo...picture of the victims of a slavery, hehehe. Arief Aziz and me*


This week goes on with complication of mind. I want my life be on its reel based on my personal mood and desire. I want it to be fast-forwarded. And lately I found out that the hardest thing to make a prosperous development in your life is Compromises. I don’t like to learn people’s mind and dealing with their barriers given to people. It is tiring, you know, to try to enter someone’s gate to make a first good impression. I can’t bear much to make an effort first before cooperate with people, trying to grasp the core by entering a labyrinth of judgmental thoughts is not easy for me. I’d prefer my comfort zone, myself, my friends. Is it selfish? Or is it a freewill? I’d prefer an individual job if there’s any. Writer? Is it an individual and selfish job? Teaching? Is it too? What do you think? I’ll change my profession as fast as possible at the beginning of next year. I hope so.

Btw, this is the mid of the year. It’s time to check my 2007 new year’s resolution. Half of them are accomplished, though they are resolutions in the form of CONSUMPTION. Meanwhile, the resolutions in the form of GRATIFICATION haven’t been started yet. Have to move my butt off. They are: Spanish course, piano course, read feminism books, write articles, and work my body out! Hmmph. Oh ya, including attend church mass as frequent as possible (very questionable). Ayo Ovi, semangattt

dying

Suck it through
Centrifuging my thoughts of dark sky
Swamp my shoulders on the door pane
Said her to the air
Breeze me with your raining solitude
With that after-rain smell stopping the bleed in my nose
Swap my face with your indiscriminating touch
Said her to the trespassing wind
I’m not living for a second
It is you standing inside my soul
My mother-nature
Suck it through
Suck my defense
Left nothing but giving
Give the gift and help me through
I’m dying, I’m letting everything in
From you
Mother-nature

solemn desert

When the cycle of solemn solitude reappears
I hold my mind not to fall far
I don’t understand why the stars lights its flash
Blade my hands from watering the sand
Deepest dry eyes from the black veil
I am withdrawing my soul from touching you
When the full moon accompanying the travelers on their camels
Late at night
No one knows what games the stars are playing
Since they just appear for light teasing
To show that they are there and they are the ones that radiate
Unlike the sun
Brightens the land
That’s why travelers are waiting for the day,
But only to wait for the starry night to come
To let themselves being lost while halfly awake
The greatest cluelessness without blame

coming with you i might

Swarming with you is so light
I feel no burden inside
Playing on the field catching balloon flights
Strolling on the grass and pointing at the blue skylight
Oh baby, you’re so an apple on my sight
Bringing the bubbly happy slide that I cannot fight
Even though my mind can’t remember your face right
I feel your figure burning out to my delight

you

I’ve never been there to your island
Though my mind soars with the shouts of anxiety
I’ve never been subly- cultural
Never been there with anger
To bring my projections outside
Never thought of making my soul a concrete pad of stamp
Never tried to pierce, cease, metallite, covering up, blushing up, lipstcking o’er, trying to be different, mocking the pops, stabbing my ears, being scary yet a very good citizen inside.
Though all’s been crossed my mind
I see a seamless kind of being pop and different
All prisons my sole
All has no answer of all anger, disappointment, sadness, and imperfection
No consolation as good as myself
Think it through, should I bring it to a social desperation movement?
I’ve never been there being there with anyone
Now I see u will not drug me either
Since indeed I’ve never been to your island
I’ve never been to your mind
Though my mind soars with the shouts of anxiety